Message to My Younger Self: To The Child That Never Wore Skirts

by Jay Nicholson, City College Plymouth

Message to my younger self

To the child that never wore skirts.

To the child who used to go up to her friends and gloat on how she does not have a feminine voice trying her best to sound like a boy. To the child that used to play all the games with the boys on the playground and roll her eyes at the girliest drama your classmates had. To the child that scraped her knees, climbed up every tree and walls not caring if she broke her arms more than once. You do not have to wear those skirts, you do not have to even wear those dresses. You know you don’t feel comfortable in them.

Your friends, family, family friends all call you tomboy for what you do and how you act. Grandad may say all the time ‘’that's not the way a lady should act’’ and try to correct you. The way the insult ‘tomboy’ makes you smile and feel nice because the last word. ‘’Boy’’. Always raising your hand when Mrs Cooper said ‘’I need a strong boy to take these chairs for me’’ trying to make your hand the slightest bit higher in the air with your finger tips.

Moving away from friends and family must have been scary for you, it’s okay though your two favorite pets are here to comfort you through confusing times. Starting a new life in a new school with big kids who stare and push past you. Staying quiet in your new classes straying away from partners in classes or friends.

One day as you got home you found your dog staring up at you, his eyes seemed to get baggier and his walks seemed to be getting shorter. Over the few months he made his bed his permanent home, spending morning to evening there barely getting up for food. The next time you make your way home you see your mother, sister and father there gathered around him, seeing his eyes look up at you full of love yet exhaustion. Seeing your father cry for the first time was different, your dog being carried to the car as you said goodbye for the final time.

Moving into a new house with your cat and the rest of your family whilst your sister moves away for university. Trying to make new friends at the same secondary school. Covid hits, your young mind is happy you don't have to go to school for two weeks. The two dreading weeks turn into months, draining from not seeing your friends and not going outside.

August of 2020, You finally came out to your family. Your sister and mother first before telling your father. Changing your appearance throughout the years and finally comfortable in your own body being called by a new name.

To the child who never wore skirts.